Behavior is one of the biggest challenges we face on a day to day basis with my brother- loud vocalizations, shouting, visual stimulations, anger.
Understanding behavior as a language
There could many drivers of these behaviors- a way to deal with my brother’s challenges and frustrations, the way he processes information, resisting something he does not understand, etc.
Over the years, I have come to appreciate that behaviors may be a language for my brother – a way of telling us something is wrong.
If you or I want to call someone’s attention, we can simply say “Hey there, come take a look at this.”
For my brother, it manifests as behaviors – shouting, making noises, fidgeting his hands, and tantrums. Yes, we can call it attention-seeking behaviors, but in actuality they are conveying more.
I always had a sense of this … But over the years as we have practiced more speech with him, he has shared more on this front.
Here are a few examples:
- For days, my brother was getting upset at his iPad. We were not sure what was driving it as nothing had changed in the game or applications. One day he finally asked me for a “stickie” to cover the number 5. The number 5 was bothering him and he wanted to cover it. Hence, his getting upset was a way to quickly convey that something was bothering him about the iPad. It took him a while to retrieve the right words and tell us about the “stickie” and “number 5.” Nowadays, when he gets upset at something, my Mom came up with the idea for him to share “one word” to try to explain it as we cannot understand it.
- My brother was always very good at math. However, when I initially used to give him math worksheets he would shout a lot and resist a lot. I thought it was because he didn’t like it. However, when I gave him worksheets that had math that was relevant to him, varied the worksheets, and explained why math was important to do, e.g., know how much money was needed- he would do it quietly and with focus. This helped me understand that the reason he used to resist was he likely found the old worksheets rote, boring and repetitive, and did not understand why he had do them.
- My brother shouts a lot at school, but interestingly there are a lot of variations in how much he shouts. And some times he shouted during preferred activities like playing a game on the iPad. Over time, we began to realize the days the shouting was higher was often when something was bothering him, e.g., he had a paper cut that hurt or a staff member was absent and he was worried why. He probably couldn’t express it and hence, he was shouting. And overall his shouting may reflect his anxiety about something that he cannot express, e.g., will he have enough time to play his favorite game or whether his school lunch had all his favorite items.
Understanding the antecedent
The biggest challenge is some times the linkage between the antecedent / trigger and the behavior is not often clear.
Take an example from my own life- I had a rough day at work. My client had yelled at me for something I felt was not my fault. However, I could not directly get angry at him and controlled my emotions at work. I came home- and my Mom said a simple thing, “Why don’t you put your shoes back?” and I lashed out in anger at her. Usually, her saying that does not bother me at all. What is the antecedent? On the surface, it may seem it was my mother’s comment on my shoes. However, the antecedent was really the client yelling at me.
We face a similar challenge understanding the antecedent for my brother. For example, some times he will get angry for little things like a light bulb going off and sometimes not. We began to understand there was likely another reason why his tolerance to changes in the environment and anger varied. It was likely days he was upset about something else that made him lash out on small things.
Perhaps the most telling incident was when he would get angry for the smallest things during the evening in the winter time. Things like forgetting something or something falling would make him angry. Then finally, after months of speech practice, he opened up that he was bothered by “dark clouds.” He was upset it got darker sooner in the winter and that is why he was always on the edge for little things during that time.
Hence, it took us a while to understand the true antecedent. Once we knew that he was worried about dark clouds we were able to explain why it gets dark sooner, how he will still be safe in the dark, and how he is always able to wait for summer. Talking this out and explaining definitely helped him better manage in darker days.
Challenge with the ABC approach
Traditional approach for behavior are often rooted in the ABC approach (antecedent, behavior, and consequence). The challenge as outlined above is we may not understand the antecedent- whether it happened right before the behavior, e.g,, his worries about the number 5 on the iPad, or happened hours before, e.g., a paper cut.
Hence, we may not be giving the right consequence if we do not understand the antecedent.
For example, say my brother got a painful paper cut in the morning and is shouting because of that at school. The school may think he is trying to avoid a task and tell him to stop shouting or else he will not be able to play his game. However, this consequence is addressing the wrong antecedent and does not address his worries about the paper cut. Imagine the frustration that would build up in my brother!
Therefore, our focus has been on being understanding the antecedent, encouraging him to use words to replace his language of behavior, and acknowledging and explaining about the triggers of his behavior.
Emerging approaches for behavior
We have applied our emerging approach for behaviors and it is helping us better understand his behaviors.
- Positive statements: showing when he has dealt with challenging situations without anger and behaviors, e.g., one word to explain what is bothering him. It always ends with “I can do it.” to emphasize to him that he can handle the situation and cites examples of when he has.
- Daily talking journal: talking about his challenges and how we sometimes do not understand what he is trying to say with his behaviors. This has helped trigger some words , e.g., he would share the name of a teacher and then we would understand that he was upset about a teacher being absent from school.
Overall, encouraging him to talk more and practicing with positive statements and the daily talking journal, he has started to say things that explain the roots of his anxiety and anger … A few examples:
- One day he said “bathroom door.” He always wants the bathroom door closed and I assured him we had closed the door in the morning. Then he said “Shrewsbury house.” We were amazed. We had moved out of that house 5 years ago. He was worried that he had come without closing that door. Who knows how long that bothered him?
- He came back from school all upset. We didn’t know why. He finally said “medicines then school bus.” He had thought he had forgotten a medicine before leaving for school. Once we assured him we had not forgotten anything, he was less anxious.
Explaining is another key strategy for my brother’s behavior. For example, my brother often gets upset when things change. It likely stems from not understanding why. Explaining has been a powerful tool. The challenge here is we have to know what is bothering him- and sometimes he gets upset if we guess wrong.
And that is the biggest challenge, when we do not understand the antecedent. That is where acknowledging makes a difference — we acknowledge there is a communication gap helps and also let him know that it is not his fault that we do not understand.
When he is very angry, we acknowledge that everyone gets angry and it is okay. We also empathize that we also get upset when we are not understood. We also apologize for not understanding but we are trying. There are times this has helped calm him down.
We have also explained to him how anger and behaviors do not help us understand what is bothering him and linked it with positive statements on how he can explain it using words or doing an alternative, e.g., focusing on an activity he likes.
We keep experimenting with our approach with each tantrum and behavior.
The behaviors are definitely not gone – especially his anger and anxiety, which are driven by years of challenges and frustration. It cannot be erased in a few months.
However, we feel that these approaches are moving us towards the right direction. With other individuals, early emotional and communication support may prevent this anxiety and frustration from building up in the first place as it has with my brother.
